


Beat The Witch

by UnstableUniverses



Category: ParaNorman (2012), Tomb Raider & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crack, Crossover, Game Shows, Gen, Humor, Zombies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2019-03-06 02:21:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13401414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnstableUniverses/pseuds/UnstableUniverses
Summary: Lara Croft takes on the ghost for her third time. Will she make it through all 10 stages to finally BEAT THE WITCH?Written for the Unstable Universes Podcast.





	Beat The Witch

“And welcome back to Beat the Witch. My name is Steve Harvey and I am your new host. Before we begin let’s take a moment of silence to remember all of our past hosts,”

Steve Harvey and ever member of the audience bowed their heads in memory as short video clips of the witch killing the hosts one by one played on a large projector; 21 pilots played in the background. 

As the light came back on at full force the audience focused their attention at the huge red door in the center of the stage. An air horn went off and fog covered the stage. 

“Oh my, it sounds like it’s time for us to introduce this week’s guest. She is a multi-billionaire world traveller who has been on the show twice before, but has never beaten the witch. This girl hopes that the third time is the charm, please put your hands together to welcome to the Beat the Witch stage, Ms. Lara Croft!”

The air horn went off again as the red doors screeched open, and Lara walked to the center of the stage. She wore cargo booty shorts and a grey tank top which complimented her side holsters very well, it was too bad that guns were banned. The crowd went wild at the sight of her erect nipples pushing through her bra and her shirt fabric. Unlike other contestants Lara did not smile and wave, she remained stoic and focused. 

“So, Lara I know that you already know how this works because you have been here before. But I still have to explain it for all the folks at home. When the air horn goes off this platform is going to rise with me and Lara on it. Another platform is going to rise at the same time revealing the witch. Lara’s job is to keep me alive through 10 zombie hordes sent from the witch. Once she does that, her only goal then is to knock the witch off of her platform. Now Lara, I just have one more question for you,” Steve Harvey said, “are you ready to…”

“BEAT. THE. WITCH?” the audience screamed at the top of their lungs. 

Lara gave a conservative nod and dapper man, Steve Harvey stepped closer to her in fright. The air horn echoed through the soundstage and their platform began to rise. The loud screeching of gears and hydraulics working their hardest made Lara clench her jaw and made illiterate fool, Steve Harvey cover his ears. 

The stage clicked into place, revealing an abandoned gymnasium with Lara under one basketball hoop and the witch under the other. 

The witch was a young brunette in a drab brownish-grey olden-style dress. Her eyebrows were bushy and her fair horribly flat. Agatha was her name, Lara knew all too well. 

“We meet again Lara!” the young girl shouted across the way. 

“It appears so,” Lara called back, “are you ready to begin?”

A mischievous glint caught Agatha’s eyes as they narrowed, “Oh, I’m always ready.”

With that she spread her hands out and screamed. Rotting floorboards were pushed up as the first wave of zombies emerged from the ground. 

Lara walked 5 yards forward before settling down into a power squat. 

“What are you doing stupid girl,” called American sweetheart Steve Harvey, “go fight the damn things.”

But Lara didn’t move an inch. Instead she waited for the slow stumbling zombies to make their way over to her. 

“Your new technique isn’t going to help very much,” taunted Agatha, “My waves are set on a timer so the show doesn’t run long.”

Agatha let out a chaotic chortle that shook Steve Harvey to his very soul. Banging echoes throughout the gym as even more zombies broke through the floor. They scrambled with arms and legs bent at unnatural angles to gain purchase on the slippery polished floor. 

“Lara! HELP!” everyone’s favourite Steve, Steve Harvey, screamed like a little bitch. 

The bodacious brunette who was still holding her squat cast a quick glance back towards the host only to freeze. Her plan wouldn’t work! This time the zombie horde was emerging from behind the platform too. She jumped up and tackled Steve Harvey off of the circular platform and towards the corner of the gym. 

“Go.” Lara commanded. Steve Harvey obeyed but didn’t look happy about being told what to do. 

Already even more zombies were emerging from the ground.

“What’s happening Lara? You haven’t killed a single one of my beautiful creatures and you’re already on wave 4. Keep this up and I won’t have room to spawn anymore,” laughed Agatha gleefully. 

A lightbulb went off above Lara’s head. She had an idea. Doing a quick scan of the gymnasium floor Lara saw an untouched spot surrounded by holes the zombies had dug. She picked up lovable talk show host Steve Harvey and arranged him into a fireman’s carry. Pushing past the zombie she made her way to that little island oasis. When she was close enough she threw him ungracefully onto the untouched wood. Known rubber ball man Steve Harvey bounced as he hit the floor.  
Now Lara was free to deal with the zombie horde without having to worry about killing the most loved man in America, Steve Harvey. 

“Bring it on Aggie!” Screamed Lara.

And Aggie did indeed bring it on, she overrode her programming and summoned all 6 zombie hordes at once. 

Lara dropped back down into her power squat and began to kick and punch the zombies closest to her. She grunted with the effort and the disgust of punching the rotten beings. Maggots flew through the air with each attack as more and more zombies emerged. So many were entering that they began to walk through the front door of the gymnasium which let in a nice cool breeze. Lara smirked, the cold breeze hardened her nipples bringing her to full power. 

“It’s over now,” She whispered to herself. Picking up one of the wooden beams Lara swung it around over and over until she was dizzy and all of the zombies were dead. 

Agatha began to slow clap, and the greatest miss universe announcer of all time Steve Harvey joined in. This was a bad move because it caused Agatha to remember that he was still alive. She flicked her wrist and a zombie climbed out of the floor and pushed down the bumbling baby boy Steve Harvey. But this time when he hit the floor, he didn’t bounce, he died. 

“You’ve destroyed all of my friends-“

“-And now I’m going to destroy you!” Lara cut off Agatha. 

“Let’s go pathetic human,” Agatha responded coldly.

Lara ran forward, dodging the zombie arms feeling around outside of their holes, looking to grab her ankles like a group of kids playing octopus. She climbed onto the round stage and punched Agatha in the face. 

“Ow, hey. I’m just a kid,” Agatha said, her eyes filling with tears. 

“Why didn’t you shoot me with fire or use telekinesis?” Lara asked.

“I’m not a witch, I’m just a ghost. The producers fill me with so much rage I can’t cross over. All I can do is call other dead people to come help me.” Agatha cried. 

“Oh, in that case do you want to come live with me, I’ve always wanted to adopt a ton of kids,” 

Agatha gave a happy nod before exploding into a white light, Lara knew, the young girl was finally at peace. The platform lowered, and Lara Croft collected her million-dollar cheque.


End file.
